“That Man, Young Man, I Forgive Him”
These are the words communicated by Erika Kirk on September 21st, Sunday afternoon celebration of life. She forgives the man suspected of killing her husband. Three words that points to Christ’s power of forgiveness. She continues, “I forgive him because it was what Christ did. And is what Charlie would do.”
Marital relationships often deteriorate when minor disagreements reveal deeper frustrations and unmet needs. Such incidents can initiate a pattern of accumulating grievances, where small oversights are perceived as significant betrayals. This dynamic contributes to ongoing distress in many marriages, as unresolved pain amplifies minor issues. Recognizing these patterns underscores the importance of forgiveness and proactive conflict resolution to prevent escalation.
Conflicts among Christians are common, often arising not from doctrinal disagreements but from personal weaknesses and unresolved issues. Such disputes undermine our shared commitment to the gospel. These conflicts can weaken the church.
If you have experienced such division, you may still feel its effects, even years later. When forgiveness is withheld, relationships suffer, and the cause of the gospel is diminished.
When we learn to forgive, reconcile, solve problems together, and approach difficult conversations with Christlike grace, we demonstrate the power of biblical forgiveness—the solution for conflict and hurt in Christian communities.
1. The Misunderstanding of Forgiveness
No one would disagree that, as a Christian, the importance of forgiveness is in every sphere of relationships. As the gospel of Luke says here, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34).
Here we see Jesus with his final words, if you would the last seven words form the cross, speaks of the power of forgiveness. As C.S. Lewis said it well, “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.” (Lewis, 1952) Yes, as we see, to be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
As we see the dialogue Jesus himself was in this conversation, “‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matt 18:21-22), highlights the importance of forgiveness and patience in dealing with repetitive habits of sin. This is a foundational text that encourages forgiving others even when they wrong you multiple times.
Something that has been useful for me was this principle called ‘7 A’s of confession’ as a framework for addressing and resolving conflicts. The seven steps are:
- (1) Address everyone involved, ensuring that all affected parties are included in the conversation.
- (2) Avoid excuses, as taking responsibility is crucial for genuine reconciliation.
- (3) Admit specifics of what went wrong, providing clarity and avoiding generalizations.
- (4) Acknowledge the hurt caused, demonstrating empathy, and understanding of the impact.
- (5) Accept the consequences, showing willingness to make amends and understanding of the repercussions.
- (6) Alter behavior to ensure that positive changes are made for the future.
- (7) Ask for forgiveness, humbly requesting the chance to rebuild trust and restore the relationship.
2. The Impact of Un-Forgiveness
Un-Forgiveness acts like rust slowly eroding steel, hurt leading to anger, anger morphed into bitterness, and bitterness prolonged to rebellion while putting self at the center and undermining love. Just as rust relentlessly eats away at metal, self-centeredness corrodes relationships, weakening the unity that is essential to a Christian community. This erosion in turn weakens the church’s ability to demonstrate Christ’s love.
The devil gets this claw in our hearts, and if we don’t learn how to forgive, they are going to do something against us. Christians become a hard, bitter, unforgiving person that takes out everything on everyone around them.
The Bible offers a better solution to the problem of pain. I heard couples will make comments such as the following.
- * Hurt = “That really hurt my feelings”
- * Anger = “I am so upset with you”
- * Bitterness = “I won’t ever forgive you”
- * Rebellion = “I will go ahead and divorce you.”
The Bible offers a better solution to the problem of pain. The matter of “unforgiveness” or would in this case, “bitterness” is addressed in the book of Ephesians, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” (Eph 4:31).
What must Christians do in response to bitterness? God is urging you, friend, to put away bitterness, wrath, and anger, and instead be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving. As we see the following point, let the Scripture guide you into being tender-hearted, compassionate, and forgiving.
3. The Power of True Biblical Forgiveness
I recall a movie called “A Man Called Otto,” which illustrated a grumpy old man who was enraged by the world as he lost his wife unjustly. This man’s heart was hardened by grief, and he wanted life to simply end as he lived his life critiquing and judging others around him. Sadly, his life too often can be found in Christians who are caught in the consequence of not being able to walk through biblical forgiveness.
- * Hurt: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:3-4).
- * Tenderhearted Compassion: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Eph 4:32).
- * Loving: “Love is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Cor 13:5).
- * Forgiveness: “If he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” (Luke 17:4).
If you are alive you’ve been hurt by other people. That’s just the way it is. People hurt other people, sometimes intentionally but most of the time unintentionally. Christians are called to respond with love and forgiveness, even in adversity.
As Jesus taught on the sermon on the mount, “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matt 6:12), which latter 3 verse says, “If you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matt 6:15). Why forgives our debtors? The grace you extend is tied to the grace you receive. A person who says, “I’ll never forgive you!” is not aware of his sins!
So, which one should you hold? Patience or urgency? Answer, both. Both urgency and patience in dealing with unforgiveness. As Paul says in Ephesians, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.” (Eph 4:26-27). The Scripture illustrates the importance of overcoming anger and resolving conflicts quickly to avoid bitterness and resentment.
Obedience and Commitment to Biblical Forgiveness
What will be key here is embracing the ‘Four Promises of Forgiveness’ with each party, emphasizing (1) not dwelling on incidents, (2) not using them against each other, (3) not discussing them with others, and (4) not allowing them to hinder their relationship.
How has forgiveness been a struggle for you since coming to know the saving grace of Jesus Christ? Work on strengthening or restoring a broken relationship. Choose to forgive and initiate the process with someone.